Oscar: Wes on the road again.
MacIntosh: This time we are tracking down Herman Cain, GOP presidential contender.
Oscar: Hey looks MacIntosh…there him his.
MacIntosh: Yeah…let’s get closer.
Oscar: Him looks like he’s singing to himself.
MacIntosh: Let’s listen in.
HC: Ohhh..you take a little dough and roll it in your hands. Then you add some cheap bologna and you sell it if you can…
Oscar: Excuse me. Is you Herman Cain?
HC: Yes I am little fellas. What can I do for you?
MacIntosh: We are MacIntosh and Oscar and would like to ask a few questions.
HC: Are you Fox?
Oscar: We is Westies.
HC: I don’t know….
Oscar: But we has a very popular blog read by more than 40 peoples and some of them are not even related to our mom and dad.
HC: Well OK then….fire away.
MacIntosh: In the Nevada GOP debate the other candidates were pretty hard on you. They openly mocked your9-9-9 plan. How will you respond?
HC: Well, I immediately had my staff call my old friends at Godfather’s Pizza. Let’s just say none of those guys will be getting any discount coupons in the future.
Oscar: You knows peoples at Godfather’s Pizza?
MacIntosh: Down boy.
HM: Know them? I was the big boss at Godfather’s and I still own a piece.
MacIntosh: You were very successful at Godfather’s. What did you do there?
HM: When I started we had 911 stores but I closed all but 420 stores and fired 10,000 people.
Oscar: I thoughts you was a job creator?
HC: Yeah…my job. Hah. Hah. Hah.
MacIntosh: How did you come up with your 9-9-9 plan?
HC: Since I got rich I have been paying a heap of taxes. My tax guys were working all the loopholes, you know, pushing the edge, but I still wasn’t satisfied.
Oscar: Just like the Rolling Stones.
HC: So I hired a new accountant out of Cleveland and told him I wanted him to do some creative work to reduce my taxes even more.
MacIntosh: And he came up with the 9-9-9 plan?
HC: Dang if he didn’t.
MacIntosh: Do you think people will buy it?
HC: Son, the people would buy a turd coated in panko for 9.99
Oscar: Yikes. Really?
HC: Have you ever tasted a Godfather’s pizza?
MacIntosh: Good point. You do know you’ll have to be elected before you can start your plan.
HC: Sure….and I figured that might be a problem. So I mentioned the 9-9-9 plan one day when I was hanging out with the Koch brothers….
MacIntosh: The brothers that were just busted for selling chemicals to Iran in violation of our laws and undermining our efforts in the mideast?
HC: Those are the ones. Anyway….they loved the idea of 9-9-9 because it lowered their taxes and raised taxes on the poor. It was a perfect we-win-you-lose scenario.
Oscar: How did you get to know the Koch brothers?
HC: Well….I was between gigs so I took a job with one of their organizations to make speeches at Tea Party events.
MacIntosh: You were paid to promote the Tea Party?
HC: Who wasn’t?
Oscar: Hoelee Moelee. Lots of people thought them was grassroots.
MacIntosh: Another good point. So what are you going to do to fix your 9-9-9 plan?
HC: I’m not going to fix it.
Oscar: Buts you said on the news you always had a plan to fix it buts you just wanted them other peoples to attack it first.
MacIntosh: You said that was your strategy all along.
HC: It was…..not fixing it is my strategy.
Oscar: Buts if you don’t fix it you will never get elected.
HC: Son, look at me. I’m a black man with no political experience who would need the enthusiastic support of millions of red neck southerners to become president. Sarah Palin would have a better chance of being president.
MacIntosh: So what is your strategy?
HC: Did I mention my new book?
Oscar: So yous doin’ all this to sell a book?
HC: Beats working for the Koch brothers.