Oscar: Howse come people that don’t like gay peoples are always talkin’ ‘bout Levi…Levita…
Oscar: Yeah..that thing?
MacIntosh: It’s a book of laws from God.
Oscar: I thought that was the ten commandments.
MacIntosh: Leviticus is the fine print. Obviously they brought in a lawyer.
Oscar: Whats it say?
MacIntosh: It tells you what you can eat.
Oscar: That’s sounds nice.
MacIntosh: It says you can’t eat shellfish, camel, pork, eagle, osprey, vulture, raven, owl, hawk, swan, weasel, mice, ferret, snail and a bunch of other stuff.
Oscar: Howse about Purina Dog Chow?
MacIntosh: Doesn’t mention it.
Oscar: Whew. Whats can you eat?
MacIntosh: Beef and chicken, fish with scales, fruit from trees older than 3 years and….beetles and locusts are OK.
MacIntosh: It addresses the issue of keeping women clean.
Oscar: They wasn’t clean?
MacIntosh: Guess not. If a woman has a male baby she is clean after 7 days. If she has a female baby it takes two weeks. Either way she has to sacrifice a lamb and ask the priest for forgiveness.
Oscar: What ifs she doesn’t have a lamb?
MacIntosh: She can bring two turtles or two young pigeons.
Oscar: Wow. The lawyer really thought this through.
MacIntosh: Oh yeah…being paid by the hour no doubt.
Oscar: What else?
MacIntosh: You can’t lie or deal falsely, you should pay your workers at the end of each day, leave some of your harvest for the poor people, you shouldn’t put things in front of blind people to watch them trip and no cursing the deaf.
Oscar: How would they know?
MacIntosh: Good point. Then they cover some minor issues.
Oscar: Like what?
MacIntosh: You not supposed to cut your hair, your beard or prostitute your daughter.
Oscar: I’m glad they got that covered.
MacIntosh: They cover the costs of slaves. Fifty shekels for a male adult but an old lady slave doesn’t cost diddly.
Oscar: And yet they are so handy.
MacIntosh: Yep. No charging interest on loans, no gossiping.
Oscar: Visa, Mastercard and the neighbour lady are hosed.
MacIntosh: Oh yeah. Then there is a big section that covers who you can see naked and an even bigger section on who you can have sex with.
Oscar: Do they mention that poodle that belongs to Bob and Ann?
MacIntosh: Nope…keep your hopes up boy. But they cover almost every choice or combination. You can get in a lot of trouble for nailing your mother, sister, your daughter-in-law, mother-in-law, your neighbors wife, the Avon Lady, sheep, goats., etc. And, of course, men.
Oscar: Whats about rubber dolls?
MacIntosh: They are OK. Everything else gets you stoned to death.
Oscar: They kills you?
MacIntosh: You can get whacked for working on Sunday, disobeying your parents, almost anything.
Oscar: Whats about ifs you prostitute your daughter?
MacIntosh: Misdemeanor, bring a lamb to the priest, we’ll talk about it.
Oscar: Are yous makin’ this stuff up MacIntosh?
MacIntosh: You can’t make this stuff up. Well there is one thing….
Oscar: Whats that?
MacIntosh: You can do the Avon Lady.