Oscar:  Howse come people that don’t like gay peoples are always talkin’ ‘bout Levi…Levita…

MacIntosh:  Leviticus.

Oscar:  Yeah..that thing?

MacIntosh:  It’s a book of laws from God.

Oscar:  I thought that was the ten commandments.

MacIntosh:  Leviticus is the fine print.  Obviously they brought in a lawyer.

Oscar:  Whats it say?

MacIntosh:  It tells you what you can eat.

Oscar:  That’s sounds nice.

MacIntosh:  It says you can’t eat shellfish, camel, pork, eagle, osprey, vulture, raven, owl, hawk, swan, weasel, mice, ferret, snail and a bunch of other stuff.

Oscar:  Howse about Purina Dog Chow?

MacIntosh:  Doesn’t mention it.

Oscar:  Whew.   Whats can you eat?

MacIntosh:  Beef and chicken, fish with scales, fruit from trees older than 3 years and….beetles and locusts are OK.

Oscar:  Yucky.

MacIntosh:  It addresses the issue of keeping women clean.

Oscar:  They wasn’t clean?

MacIntosh:  Guess not.  If a woman has a male baby she is clean after 7 days.  If she has a female baby it takes two weeks.  Either way she has to sacrifice a lamb and ask the priest for forgiveness.

Oscar:  What ifs she doesn’t have a lamb?

MacIntosh:  She can bring two turtles or two young pigeons.

Oscar:  Wow.  The lawyer really thought this through.

MacIntosh:  Oh yeah…being paid by the hour no doubt.

Oscar:  What else?

MacIntosh: You can’t lie or deal falsely, you should pay your workers at the end of each day, leave some of your harvest for the poor people, you shouldn’t put things in front of blind people to watch them trip and no cursing the deaf.

Oscar:  How would they know?

MacIntosh:  Good point.  Then they cover some minor issues.

Oscar:  Like what?

MacIntosh:  You not supposed to cut your hair, your beard or prostitute your daughter.

Oscar:  I’m glad they got that covered.

MacIntosh:  They cover the costs of slaves.  Fifty shekels for a male adult but an old lady slave doesn’t cost diddly.

Oscar:  And yet they are so handy.

MacIntosh:  Yep.  No charging interest on loans, no gossiping.

Oscar:  Visa, Mastercard and the neighbour lady are hosed.

MacIntosh:  Oh yeah.  Then there is a big section that covers who you can see naked and an even bigger section on who you can have sex with.

Oscar:  Do they mention that poodle that belongs to Bob and Ann?

MacIntosh:  Nope…keep your hopes up boy.  But they cover almost every choice or combination.  You can get in a lot of trouble for nailing your mother, sister, your daughter-in-law,  mother-in-law, your neighbors wife, the Avon Lady, sheep, goats., etc.  And, of course, men.

Oscar:  Whats about rubber dolls?

MacIntosh:  They are OK.  Everything else gets you stoned to death.

Oscar: They kills you?


MacIntosh:  You can get whacked for working on Sunday, disobeying your parents, almost anything.

Oscar:  Whats about ifs you prostitute your daughter?

MacIntosh:  Misdemeanor, bring a lamb to the priest, we’ll talk about it.

Oscar:  Are yous makin’ this stuff up MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:  You can’t make this stuff up.  Well there is one thing….

Oscar:  Whats that?

MacIntosh:  You can do the Avon Lady.



This entry was posted in Thumpers, Wacky People and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Leviticus

  1. Uncle Stever says:

    What do you have against Jews, why the antisemitism on MLK day?

    • dwelchnz says:

      Mocking the Torah isn’t anti-semitic. I’m sure there are lots of Jews that think its even funnier than I do. ..and I didn’t get to the part where you can’t be a priest if you’re a dwarf, hunchbacked or, god forbid, have too many skin blemishes.

      • Uncle Stever says:

        Wow Jewish friends…
        First off all those selections you had chosen from the Torah are strictly Jewish, not related to any Noahide nor Christian in observance… Mocking the Torah is anti-semitic since it goes to the very heart of Jewish people.

      • Ziggy and Zoe says:

        Your fake outrage is inane.

        No one is attacking the Jewish people, but Leviticus was mocked for the tripe that it is.

        The world according to Steve “Only disagree with the things I find disagreeable or you have some kind of moral failing.”

  2. Uncle Stever says:

    You guys don’t have fucking balls to poke a stick at the Koran…

    • Ziggy and Zoe says:

      I am equal opportunity mocker of all metaphysical lunacy personally.

      I thought you were equal opportunity mocker of all extremism? No comment on the extreme parts of the Torah? Or you stuck in some relativist quagmire sans a set of cojones?

      Z & Z

      • Uncle Stever says:

        No your just a bigot who is void of the basic simple respect of others to their beliefs. Atheism is a religion also…

      • Ziggy and Zoe says:

        You are throwing around a lot ugly hyperbole.

        Not respecting a belief and bigotry are two different items, but I do not expect you to understand the difference.

        Atheism is not a religion, it is the lack of one. Your false equivalence of atheism/religion is a lame relativist argument. Learn the definition of religion before making such silly statements next time.

  3. Uncle Stever says:

    Article mocking the Torah.. Why am I not surprised..

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