Debates

Oscar:  What’s a debate MacIntosh?

MacIntosh: That’s what you catch de fish with.

Oscar:  Really?

MacIntosh:  No not really.  I was joking.

Oscar:  Oh. I is glad you told me cuz I didn’t know it was a joke.

MacIntosh:  Why not?

Oscar: Cuz it wasn’t funny MacIntosh.

MacIntosh: Touche.

Oscar:  What is it then?

MacIntosh:   That’s when humans argue with each other in front of an audience that is hoping the guy from the other side will projectile vomit on camera.

Oscar:  Yikes.

MacIntosh:  Why do you ask?

Oscar:  Cuz Mom and Dad was watching one on the TV.  There was a lady and a man and sometimes they was screaming at the camera.

MacIntosh:  Yeah.

Oscar:  Then Dad starting screaming at the TV.

MacIntosh:  Oh boy.

Oscar:  Then Mom started screaming at the TV.

MacIntosh: Then what.

Oscar: Then Mom turned it off on-account-of it was negative space and she was ‘fraid Dad was gonna have a heart attack or somethin’.

MacIntosh:  Any projectile vomiting?

Oscar: Nopes.

MacIntosh:  Too bad.  Were Mom and Dad OK?

Oscar: Yep.  Dad meditated, or medicated or somethin’ like that.  Mom lit this sage brush thing and let it cover the TV with smoke.

MacIntosh:  Smudging.  It gets rid of evil spirits.

Oscar:  This stuff got rid of everybodies.  Me and Fergus pretended we had to whiz sos we could go outside.

MacIntosh:  Smart.  Any more debates coming up.

Oscar:  Only ifs Dad goes de-fishing.

 

 

 

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Fergus Interviews For A Job

Oscar:  I is so happy to see you.

MacIntosh:  Who is the little guy there?

Oscar:  (sigh) That’s Fergus.  Dad ands me founds him at the airport.

MacIntosh:  Was he lost?

Oscar:  Nope.  He was holding a sign that said “ Puppy.  Real pain in the ass.  Needs home.”

MacIntosh:  That’s not very nice Oscar.  So what’s your story Fergus?

Fergus:  I was born into a poor family in Hamilton and I started out as one very wild puppy.

Oscar:  End story.  Now he wants to be parts of our writings team.

MacIntosh:  So you caused some havoc eh?

Fergus:  Yep.  Bite, bite, bite.  Bit my litter mates, bit the hand that feeds me, bit the teat that feeds me.

Oscar:  Yikes.

Fergus:  But that changed the day I found Jesus.

MacIntosh:  Where was he?

Fergus:  In the bathroom.

Oscar:  Was he in there taking a Fergus?

MacIntosh:  Geeze Oscar…take it easy.

Fergus:  He was not looking so good, let me tell you.  I thought he was dead.

Oscar:  So what’s did you do?

Fergus:  I licked him and he got completely better.

MacIntosh:  Arose to the occasion did he?

Fergus:  Yep.  I was his salvation.

Oscar:  How dids you know it was Jesus?

Fergus:  Previous life.  Back then I was known as Joseph.

Oscar:  Was you a Westie?

Fergus:  Nope.  I had a coat of many colors.

MacIntosh:  Did you build the pyramids?

Fergus:  Nope.  The pyramids were built by aliens.

Oscar:  Yeah MacIntosh.  Everybody knows.

MacIntosh:  So you changed after the bathroom episode?

Fergus:  Yep.  I quit biting.  I studied all the time.  I was offered a full scholarship at Westie Point but decided to become a…lawyer….no a doctor.  Oh yeah…I became a neurosurgeon.  That’s the ticket.

Oscar:  You is lyin’.  You is still biting.

MacIntosh:  He’s not lying Oscar.  He’s doing a Ben Carson imitation.

Oscar:  He’s is?

Fergus.  Yep.  Pretty cool, huh?

MacIntosh:  Pretty cool.  So you want to be part of the team?

Fergus:  I do.  What does Oscar think?

Oscar:  Pizza.  I thinks about pizza.

MacIntosh:  You’re in.

Posted in America, Campaign 2016 | Leave a comment

Oscar Talks With The Mexicans

MacIntosh:  Today we are on the border near Nogales and Oscar is meeting with Mexican dignitaries.  We have translators to help us communicate.  The event is just getting started.

Oscar:  Welcome to America.

Mexican: Mira, es un perro que habla (Look, it’s a talking dog)

Oscar:  Whats did he say?

Translator:  He said  “thank you.  Glad to be here.”

Oscar:  I knows you must be confused by our immigration policies.  We is the only country that will kills you if you try to get in…but reward you with a nice job if you makes it.

Mexican:  No puedo creer mis propios ojos. Está loco (Its crazy…I can’t believe my own eyes.)

Translator:  He says “yes, it is very confusing”

Oscar: That’s like building a big fence and then leaving a bunch of fresh pizza on the other side of the fence.  Who can resist pizza?

Mexican: Tiene que ser un robot. Tal vez su Disneyland (It must be one of those robots from Disneyland)

Translator:  Yes.  We just want to work and feed our families.  If you don’t need our help…don’t hire us.

Oscar:  Zactly.  The reason we don’t arrest illegal employers is because our employers really need your help.  Whats we need is a visiting workers program.

Mexican: O tal vez es un holograma.  (Maybe it’s a hologram)

Translator:  We would welcome a program where we can come to work legally.

Oscar:  Is you sure that’s whats he said?

Translator:  Absolutely.  Holograma means ‘working legally’?

Oscar:  I gets it.

Oscar:  My workers program would mean you are treated like our own workers.  Buts you will have the sames responsibility to pay taxes and be a good citizen.  We is trying to Make America Nice Again.

Mexican:  No puedo esperar a mi esposa sobre esto.  (I can’t wait to tell my wife about this talking dog)

Oscar:  It also means we would arrest and fine employers that continue to hire illegally.  So if you is not given a permit you is out of luck.

Mexican:  Quiero ver más de cerca, pero la patrulla fronteriza se me disparan.  (I want to look closer but the Border Patrol will shoot me)

Translator:  We just want to work hard and be treated with dignity.

Oscar:  I can see from the look of amazement on yours face that you can barely believe there was such a simple solution to the immigration problem.

Mexican:  Un perro que habla es mejor que jackass Trump, ¿eh? (A talking dog is better than that jackass Trump)

Translator:  We prefer your solution to Donald Trump’s.

Oscar:  Thank you for your time and remember to vote for Oscar for Pleasandent.

MacIntosh:  They can’t vote.  They’re from Mexico.

Oscar: Huh?  They cant’s vote?

MacIntosh:  Nope.  Not in our elections.

Oscar:  That’s OK.  It was worth coming anyway.

MacIntosh:  Why do you say that?

Oscar:  Cuz I learns something new.

MacIntosh:  ???

Oscar:  Quesadillos is just as good as pizza.

Posted in America, Campaign 2016, Immigration | Leave a comment

Guns

Oscar:  We have with us today a guy that is…well, let’s say he really, really, really likes guns.

MacIntosh:  We promised anonymity so that he could speak freely

Oscar:  So we is just gonna call him Ammo.  Welcome Ammo.

Ammo:  So what can I do for you little targets?

MacIntosh:  Yikes.  We are trying to understand how you feel about guns.

Oscar:  Yeah, we wanna know what gives you ticks.

MacIntosh:  Makes you tick.

Oscar:  Zactly.  So how many guns do you have?

Ammo.  463.

Oscar:  ‘Scuse me?

Ammo:  463.  Plus a drone, a bazooka, an anti-aircraft gun,  an Abrams tank and a computer aided sniper set-up.

MacIntosh:  That is a lot of guns.

Oscar:  Howse come you need to have so many guns.

Ammo:  I don’t.

MacIntosh:  Why then?

Ammo:  Because Obama.

Oscar:  Obama?

Ammo:  Each time the gun manufacturers have warned Obama is coming to take our guns I go buy more guns.

MacIntosh:  You think Obama is coming for your guns?

Ammo: Yes I do.

MacIntosh:  Is losing your guns your biggest fear?

Ammo:  No.  My biggest fear is that after I die my wife will sell them for what I told her I paid for them.

Oscar:  I’s never heard President Obama talk about taking away guns.

Ammo:  Are you calling me and the gun manufacturers a liar?

MacIntosh:  Not really.  The gun manufacturers had a financial reason to lie to you.  You were just a chump.

Oscar:  That’s not very nice MacIntosh.

Ammo:  Yeah.  Lets keep it civil here.

MacIntosh:  Sorry.  If Obama decided to take your guns how do you think he might do it?  Would he pass a new law?

Ammo:  No we got that covered.  The NRA owns congress.

Oscar:  Howse then.  Woulds he order the army guys?

Ammo:  I guess I don’t know little fellas.

MacIntosh:  Chump.

Oscar:  Is you worried about the guns violence.

Ammo:  Guns don’t kill people…people do.

MacIntosh:  Let me restate then.  Are you concerned that people with guns are able to kill and injure a lot more people than they would any other way?

Ammo:  No.  What we need are more guns.

Oscar:  Sos if everybody had guns peoples wouldn’t use guns?

MacIntosh:  Do you really believe that?

Ammo:  No.  I just like to say it.

Oscar:  Does it make you feels better?

Ammo:  Yeah.  You know why?

MacIntosh:  Because you really, really, really love guns?

Ammo:  Exactly.

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The Boyz Interview The Pope

Oscar:  We’s got a big surprise for you today.

MacIntosh:  Yep.  We flew to Rome for an interview with Pope Francis.

Oscar:  Hello Poop.  Thanks for seeing us.  Love the red shoes.

Pope:  Why do you call me poop?

Oscar:  Cuz them republicans treated you like shit.

Pope:  No kidding.  Did you boys have a nice flight?

Oscar:  Is you jokin’?  It was awful.

Pope:  Flew coach?

MacIntosh:  Flew crate in cargo.

Pope:  Oh my.

Oscar:  I gotta say Poop, you is a lot thinner than I thought.

Pope:  Really?  Why?

Oscar:  Wells, you live in a place called the Fatican.

Pope:  It’s called the Vatican.

Oscar:  Oops. Sorry.

MacIntosh:  What has been your biggest challenge as Pope?

Oscar:  Was it when you asked peoples to thinks about climate change?

Pope:  No.  That was easy.  The proof that climate change is real is overwhelming.  I want ordinary people, without a money agenda, to consider the scientific evidence.

MacIntosh:  Was your biggest challenge when you called for an economic system that distributed wealth more equally?

Pope:  No.  Jesus fed the multitudes and had a strong distaste for greedy people.  He said, “what you do for the least of men you do for me.”

Oscar:  Was it when you decided to eats with the homeless peoples instead of the congress peoples?

Pope:  Oh heavens no.  Would you want to eat anywhere near Louie Gohmert?

MacIntosh:  Uh…no.  Well then…what has been your biggest challenge?

Pope:  Eating anywhere.

Oscar:  I can helps you there.  I is an expert on that subject. What seems to be the trouble?

Pope:  It’s these damn white robes.  You have no idea what it’s like to eat without getting stuff all over the robes.

MacIntosh:  We may have some idea.

Oscar:  Yeah cuz we is white too.  My advice is to dig in and let the pasta sauce fall where God intended.

Pope:  But what a mess.  People will be upset.

MacIntosh:  They may consider you with dis-stain?

Pope:  Exactly.

Oscar:  I gots a question about abortion.

Pope:  The Bible says thou shall not kill.

Oscar:  But we kills little lambs and chickens and little veals.

Pope:  Well that’s OK Oscar.  We are not supposed to kill people.

MacIntosh:  What does the Bible say about when life begins.

Pope:  Life begins when the egg is fertilized.

MacIntosh.  Women discharge fertilized eggs all the time.

Pope:  That is God’s will.

Oscar:  Hoelee Moelee!  So Gods is doin’ abortion then?

MacIntosh:  Planned Parenthood looks pretty good in comparison.

Pope:  Human life begins when the egg becomes viable…which means it attaches to the womb.

Oscar:  I understands what you mean.  Where in the Bible does it say that zactly?

Pope:  (confers with advisers) We’ll have to get back to you on that.

MacIntosh:  Ok then.  Thank you for the interview.

Pope:  Bless you my sons.

Oscar:  (as they are leaving) That’s was weird.  He said bless you and wes didn’t even sneeze.

 

Posted in America, Campaign 2016, Thumpers | 1 Comment

Oscar For Pleasadent

Oscar:  There you is.  I needs some feedbag.

MacIntosh:  Feedback???

Oscar:  Zactly.  I  is learnin’ to talk like a politician.

MacIntosh:  Watched the GOP debates did you?

Oscar:  Yep.  So here goes.  “I hates Mexicans and we should put them all on busses or boxcars and stop them from Dreamin’.

MacIntosh:  Why do you feel that way?

Oscar:  Cuz…cuz… I donts feel that way.  ‘Cept Chihuahas.  That’s just the way politicians talk.

MacIntosh:  Of course.  Maybe you should try a different one.

Oscar:  Oks.  “We needs to deports all 11,000,000 peoples working here illegally.  And we needs to build a gazillion foot tall wall” … I’s got a question MacIntosh.

MacIntosh:  What’s that?

Oscar:  Ifs 11 millions of peoples are working illegally didn’t 11 millions other people hire them illegally?

MacIntosh:  Yep.  You can’t have one without the other.

Oscar:  Then why don’t they arrest the peoples that hire people illegally?

MacIntosh:  Good question.  If we didn’t hire them they would not come.

Oscar:  Zactly.  That’s would be a lot cheaper than building a wall huh MacIntosh.

MacIntosh:  Yep.  What else you got?

Oscar: “That lady from Fox TV was mean to me cuz she is in season.”

MacIntosh:  Menstruating.

Oscar:  No this was a lady not a men.

MacIntosh:  I see.  Try another.

Oscar:  “ Ifs you will join me in hating Mexicans, Asians, Blacks, women and Gay people, we can Make America Great Again”.  Is that what made America great MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:   I don’t think so.  That kind of divisiveness makes us weaker.

Oscar:  I is gonna leave that out.

MacIntosh:  Good idea.

Oscar:  I gotta stop now.  Being a politician is makin’ me feels bad.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you should just be yourself.

Oscar:  But I loves everybody.  Who would vote for that?

MacIntosh:  Who knows.  Maybe you should give them a chance.

Oscar:  Could I gets some baseball caps and put my slogan on it?

MacIntosh:  What your slogan be?

Oscar:  “Make America Nice Again”

MacIntosh:  I like it.

Oscar:  I could talk about good stuff we could do.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you could win the whole thing.

Oscar:  And become Pleasadent Of These United States.

MacIntosh:  Exactly.

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Diets

Oscar:  Dad is trying a new diet.

MacIntosh:  What’s it called?

Oscar:  The John Lennon Diet.  He took me with him to a group meeting last night.

MacIntosh:  What were they talking about?

Oscar:  All they were saying is “give peas a chance.”

MacIntosh:  Nice.

Oscar:  Will peas make you lose weight?

MacIntosh:  Depends on how big your bladder is.

Oscar:  Well it’s better than the last diet he tried.

MacIntosh:  The Irish Pub Diet?

Oscar:  Yep.  He was actin’ strange with that one.

MacIntosh:  In the first week he lost two days.

Oscar:  Yep.  Do you think I should go a diet MacIntosh?

MacIntosh:  Which one?

Oscar: Is was thinkin’ maybe the Italian Diet.

MacIntosh:  What’s in it?

Oscar:  Pizza.  Lots of pizza.

MacIntosh:  Maybe you should try the West Highland White Terrier Diet.  It’s popular in Scotland.

Oscar:  That sounds good.  What’s in it?

MacIntosh:  You can only eat haggis but you can have all of it you want.

Oscar:  Buts howse will I lose weight?

MacIntosh:  Have you ever tasted haggis?

Oscar:  Nope.

MacIntosh:  Trust me…you will lose lots of weight.

Oscar:  Mom says I’m not fat I just gots big bones.

MacIntosh:  Dinosaurs had big bones.  Things didn’t work out well for them.

Oscar:  Do elfants have big bones?

MacIntosh:  Yep but they have a trunk to help them move them around.

Oscar:  And them has big ears too.

MacIntosh:  What does that have to do with anything?

Oscar:  What does having a trunk have to do with anything?

MacIntosh:  Touche.  Well I think you’re perfect just the way you are.

Oscar:  I is?

MacIntosh:  Yep.  When I look at you I think you look just right.

Oscar:  What does you thinks when you look at Dad?

MacIntosh:  Yikes.  Hoelee Moelee.  Oh boy.  Take your pick.  What do you think?

Oscar:  I thinks he should give peas a chance.

 

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